Cry
by A. N. Mouse
Summary: What if Severus Snape was not as strong as everyone thought he was? How would it change the life of one Harry Potter, and his family? Read and find out. Warning - self harm. AU, very very AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note!**

**Ok, so I've had this one in my head for quite a while and I didn't want to work on it while I was working on something else, but it was begging me to write it . . . so I did. Here's Cry, a story of what if. What if Severus Snape was not as strong as everyone thought he was? What if Lily came to hate James Potter more than she'd ever hated Snape's friends? What if, what if, what if.**

**Warnings! - Suicide, character death, very very mild sexual reference (eg - someone's pregnant.)**

**Dis the Claim : I do not own Harry Potter, Severus Snape, Lily Evans, or anyone else you may recognize in this story. But oh, how I wish I did.  
**

Cry

Severus Snape wandered the halls of Hogwarts. It was the middle of the day, and sunlight was streaming in through the windows. It seemed to mock his depression and filled him with a deep unhappiness.

He'd received the letter this morning. His mother was dead. She had mysteriously "lost her balance" and "fell" on the stairs. Severus knew what had really happened. His father had gotten drunk. _Again_. And this time, he'd gone too far. Now he didn't have anyone left. Lily had left last year, when he'd let that hateful word, no, he corrected himself, that _despicable_ word fall from his lips. It was only once! It was a slip, an accident, a reminder of his upbringing, nothing more.

But she hadn't seen it like that. She had seen what she'd wanted to see finally, he guessed, a Slytherin. She'd most likely never really liked him after the Sorting anyway, he mused to himself. She'd probably just been humouring him until she could find a good reason to get rid of him. Well, she'd be completely rid of him soon. Soon she wouldn't ever have to see him again.

Severus turned a corner and saw a flash of red hair in a portrait. He had to say goodbye, he told himself. Even if she'd never liked him, she was the only person he'd ever loved besides his mother and he needed to say goodbye.

The Great Hall was almost empty. Most people were done with their lunches by now but Lily was still sitting there. Not moving. Her eyes trained on a single page of her History of Magic text book. She was thinking about him again. Maybe it was a mistake, she thought, remembering the way he used to smile at her. Severus had been her friend for years and years, she shouldn't just abandon him.

_But he called you that _word_._ The evil voice inside her head told her.

He didn't mean it; at least, I don't think he did.

_He doesn't seem to be thinking about it much, does he?_

Well, he doesn't really show his emotions all that well.

_He showed them well enough when he was angry._

She couldn't think of anything to say back to the voice. Oh great, now she was going crazy. She'd just lost an argument with herself. She jumped as James sat down next to her; she hadn't seen him come in.

"Hey, Lily-flower, what are you still doing in here? What would you say to a stroll down by the lake? I bet the giant squid is up near the surface today. It's gorgeous outside, just like you are every day."

"James, you flatter me, but this essay is due tomorrow and I need to finish it."

"You can finish it tonight. I know you don't have any other homework, you've been gloating about how you've finished it all for the past three days."

"Ugh! Alright." They got up to go and when they reached the door, Lily saw Severus. James hadn't seen him, he was too busy looking at Lily, and she hoped they could get past without an ugly scene.

"Lily," Severus said, in his quiet voice, the voice he used when he really meant something. "Lily, I - I just wanted - "

It was too late, when James had heard Severus' voice; he'd automatically gone on the offensive.

"What do you want, Snivellus?" he asked, draping his arm around Lily's shoulders in a possessive gesture that said quite clearly "Mine."

"I - I just wanted to say - "  
"Are you trying to apologize again?"

"Lily," Severus said, ignoring James. "I wanted to say I'm sorry. About everything. Anything I've ever done that you don't like. I'm sorry. Forever."

"Well, isn't that touching. Coming from a Death Eater in training, that almost sounded sincere," James said, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

Lily saw Severus' eyes fill with tears.

"Aw, you're going to cry now, aren't you? Go ahead. Cry." James said, not seeming to care in the slightest.

But Severus just whispered, "Goodbye," and turned and ran.

"Well, good thing he's gone." James said, looking at Lily, but she barely heard him.

_He looks so sad_, she thought, but she didn't say anything. She knew James didn't like to be reminded of Severus when he wasn't around.

They found him during dinner, and Lily was called out of the Great Hall. Dumbledore knew the pair had been friends, and he thought she should be told privately, before the other students were told the following morning.

Severus Snape had hung himself in an unused bathroom on the third floor. He'd left a note, addressed to Lily, with a charm on it so that none but her could read it.

Lily heard the words from Professor McGonagall's mouth, she'd seen the mouth move, but she couldn't believe them. She heard a rushing sound in her ears, and she saw McGonagall's lips move again, but Lily couldn't hear anything. She felt her jaw dropping, her arms falling to hang limp at her sides, then her knees gave way and she was falling, blackness all around her.

She woke up in the hospital wing, and everything was dark. It was all calm and still and Lily wondered why she was there. She felt perfectly fine.

Then it all came rushing back. Dinner, McGonagall, Severus! Suddenly it felt very hard to breath. He couldn't be gone. Not Severus. He was always there. Always! She tried her hardest not to cry, really she did. Crying was weak. Had James not implied that very thing to Severus only this morning? But she couldn't stem her flow of tears. Her best friend was dead. Gone, because she couldn't see through his cold exterior and see that he was in pain.

She remembered the scene from that morning, and guilt washed over her, flooding her senses.

_I was probably the last person he talked to,_ she thought, remembering his last words. "_Goodbye,_"

And she was crying again. Hot tears that spilled everywhere and could not be stopped.

"There, there, it's going to be alright," a soft voice said, pulling her into a warm embrace. Madam Pomfrey had noticed she was awake and had come to comfort her. She cried herself out and then just sat there, in Madam Pomfrey's arms, breathing heavily. "He left you a letter, you know," she seemed to realize that was the wrong thing to say and muttered to herself, "but you're still in shock; that can wait until you're ready." Another tear leaked out, but only one.

"It's only 8:30, so you have time to get back to the Gryffindor common room before curfew," Madam Pomfrey said, not letting go of Lily. "You might want to be with people you know tonight, the people you trust and love,"

"Yes, alright." Lily whispered, nodding. She got up slowly and then walked slowly out the door and to Gryffindor tower. She didn't meet anyone on the way, and for that she was grateful. Even the portraits didn't talk to her today.

When she climbed through the portrait hole, looking so sad, James immediately grabbed her up in a hug.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "Lily, what's happened? Was it Snivellus?"

This just made Lily start crying all over again.

"Lily, what did he do?" James demanded pushing back to hold her at arms length.

"Nothing . . . something . . . everything!" Lily couldn't stop herself. Sirius was looking at them curiously and Remus was trying to get him to give them some privacy. It wasn't working.

"What ever he did you can tell me and I'll get him. Sirius and I will get him so he doesn't know which ways up anymore. Just tell me what he did and we'll do it." James said, completely serious.

"You can't,"

"What do you mean, I know you used to be - "

"No! You can't because - because Severus is- is - He's dead!" Her voice broke.

James was shocked. He did not know what to say. He didn't feel like he should say anything He pulled Lily close to him and held her close, comforting her until she calmed down a little.

"Really?" Sirius asked, coming closer. "That idiot is dead?"

"You're the idiot," James hissed. "Can't you see that she is devastated by this? Get some bloody tact, will you?"

He pulled Lily away from Sirius and Remus and into a darker corner of the common room. They sat down on a large armchair and James held Lily to his chest, whispering comforting words to her like "Shh, shh, it's okay. You'll be alright. Everything will be fine," over and over again until she calmed down. She'd cried herself out all over again and now she felt a strange and very out of place sense of déjà vu, because she'd done the same thing with Madam Pomfrey a couple of hours ago.

"Hey, talk to me, Lily-flower, tell me what happened. It'll help." James seemed to know just what to do to get her to talk or calm down. It was getting kind of strange.

"Are you always this feminine when comforting girls?" Lily asked, giving him a small, watery smile.

"Nah, come on, Lily, talk," he said.

"He - he hung himself! He killed himself and they said it had to be sometime this afternoon, probably right after lunch. And I feel so guilty, because that means we were probably the last people to see him and he was trying to apologize and he said goodbye! Apologizing to me was probably his last, desperate attempt to find out if somebody cared about him! And I - " she stopped, looking at him funny.

"But I didn't do anything," she said slowly. "I was considering forgiving him. Being his friend again. _You_ had to be a jerk-off, idiot and run him off! You - you - let go of me!" Lily pushed herself free from his suddenly too tight embrace.. "How could you be so cruel to him?" She demanded. "Not just today but every day? All of the time. You tormented him "because he existed!" You horrible, despicable, evil prat! Severus was twelve times the man you are! How could I have ever liked you? Severus was right. You're just a popular, cruel, idiot!"

She turned and ran up to the girls' dormitory, not looking back at the common room once. She flung herself into her four-poster and cast a Silencing Charm around the hangings, pulling them shut. She then proceeded in crying herself to sleep as loudly as she could.

Life would never be the same. The one constant that had always been there, ever since she had been a little girl, was gone. He was gone and he was never coming back. And even though she'd tried to blame Potter, the guilt wasn't going away. How could she have stopped being friends with him because of that word? It was stupid and idiotic and it had cost her the most important person in her life. She put her face into her pillow and screamed and screamed until she was hoarse then the tears returned once again and she cried herself to sleep.

And Severus Snape, the man Lily had unknowingly loved for the past three years, was gone.

**So there's chapter 1. The next chapter is going to be an epilogue detailing the ways the Wizarding World changed because of this small development.**

**Thanks a bunch to my beta - april93!**

**Please Read and Review, my two favorite 'R' words!  
**


	2. Author's Note

** Hello, all. . . No, this is not a new chapter, sorry. . . I just wanted to let you all know that I have changed my penname. Just in case you were searching for my old one and couldn't find it . . . it's because it doesn't exist anymore. Sorry. Now, I am called A.. It stands for A Nona Mouse. Get it? Anonymous? Lol? I thought it was funny :) **

** Anyway, I hope to be posting new stuff soon, but the busy-ness of my life and the uninspired streak I've had lately are working against me, so I don't know how long it will be. . . *dives behind a door* Please, please, please, please don't kill me. You need me remember? Without me you won't know the end of the story! *nervous laugh* Guys?**

** *mob of angry readers attacks***


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